A million diet plans and still we have runaway obesity. I spent most of my life chasing that perfect size six, an unattainable goal for a woman who enjoys food as much as I do. I have clothes in my closet ranging from size six to size sixteen because the part of me that still dreams thinks I might see size six again. Finally I decided to put into use a comprehensive weight loss program with a five pronged attack. These are the chronicles of a desperate woman clinging to her last hope.
1. The Cabbage Soup Diet: I read about this eating plan and decided to give it a try. I don’t much like cabbage or soup so the outcome was pretty much pre-ordained. What I didn’t count on was while I was no thinner the people who usually congregate around me were getting scarcer, something about a side effect connected with odors. If you try this diet please consider those around you and for God’s sake don’t do it if you have small pets who like to sleep under the covers. I still think my terrier Dolittle could have lived a few years longer if he hadn’t received brain damage from lack of oxygen.
2. The Sex Diet: I probably should have tried this diet years ago when my husband and I could stand to see each other naked. Finally I decided that watching other people having sex might have the same results. I watched Cinemax late night and found myself wondering why those women had breasts that never laid flat no matter what position they got in, I finally got bored and went to sleep. The next day I watched horses having sex on YouTube and while I didn’t lose any weight I was impressed.
3. The Flu Diet: This one is simple and easy to stick to. After hanging around an urgent care center for a few days and refusing a flu shot I was all set. I remember congratulating myself while sitting on the toilet throwing up in a wastebasket, oh hell yeah, this was going to work. This did not work. When the flu finally abated I managed to eat everything in my house including an M &M I found under my couch cushion. When the whole thing was done I gained all the weight back plus five pounds.
4. The Anger Diet: This diet consists of someone and by that I mean someone who I am married to making a comment like, “When your ass gets wider than that sixty inch flat screen either we need a bigger TV or you need a smaller ass.” When I replied, “Fine, I just won’t eat again.” and he replied that once I skipped lunch and nearly fainted I knew we were in for a hard ride. He further stated that my refusing food was rarer than a verified Bigfoot sighting and then to put it mildly, “It was on.” Believe me there was no danger of us making up and utilizing the Sex Diet. After five days of dry, baked, chicken and brown rice my husband begged forgiveness. We solved the problem by getting a seventy inch TV so my ass has room to grow.
5. The move more and eat less diet: This one made the least sense of all. What the hell kind of sadistic bastards would think up such a far-fetched and punitive diet? I tried, God knows I tried, for an entire week I gave it my all. I decided that joining a gym would help so I went got a membership at one near my neighborhood. The manager told me that in order to be successful I actually had to show up at the gym; just buying a membership wasn’t enough. What kind of nonsensical bullshit is this? I asked a similarly handicapped friend and we went together. I was beginning to feel some looseness to my jeans and then the unthinkable happened. Some dirty son of a bitch opened a bakery next to the fitness club. I gained the weight back and lost my gym membership; my friend gained the weight back and lost a husband. I still think she came out better than me some days.
So there you have it, I am a failure at being my best me. Along the way something kind of nice happened, a little morsel of cuteness started calling me grandma. I learned that baking cookies with that little girl was more fun than a day at the gym any time. I learned that after forty years together my husband loves me no matter what. I learned that at the age of 59 that modeling career is not going to happen but most of all I learned that I like myself no matter what size I am. If you come to my house you’ll see a woman who could stand to lose a few and if you pretend not to notice I’ll make you a cup of coffee and feed you some homemade cookies.
Jane Franklin’s new book “White Trash Odyssey” is available now on Amazon.